Positive Adoption Language. That is a phrase that you will hear when you are talking to adoption professionals or to people affected by adoption. The problem is that no one can agree on what words are positive adoption language and what words are not. Currently the most debated term is “birthmother”. Some would rather the term “firstmother” or “natural mother” be used. Some argue that they should be able to use whatever term they want to use because of freedom of speech. We are blessed to live in a country with freedom of speech, but that does not absolve us from the fact that words can be powerful weapons. Words can sting. Words can empower. Words can oppress. I understand why mothers who have placed their children for adoption what to have power over the term that describes them. The problem is that other members of the adoption plane have to agree on the term that is used. I struggle with this one because “birthmother” is the term that I like the most. “Firstmother” bothers me. How many mothers am I going to have? “Natural mother” bothers me even more. It feels icky to me. I also understand that it makes adoptive mothers feel like they are the “unnatural” mothers. “Biological mother” just feels cold and clinical to me. “Birthmother” is the term that I have always used. I don’t want to offend or hurt anyone. And just because that is not my intention that does not mean that my words are not hurting someone. What is one to do?
September 7, 2006
Daughter of 2 Women 
September 7, 2006 at 5:24 pm
How many mothers are you going to have? Well you have two if you are adopted don’t you? I think of myself as L’s mother and her adoptive mother as her Mum.
I think you have to be true to yourself and use the term that you feel most comfortable with.
I abhor the word birthmother and usually edit it out of my blog.
You never come across as offensive, you just have to use the labels that you feel most comfortable with.
There will always be someone who criticizes you no matter what you say or do.
September 7, 2006 at 6:15 pm
I just hate the fact that the term that I am most comfortable with does hurt some people.
September 7, 2006 at 8:57 pm
I am so glad you posted this. It really is hard, especially when you’re trying to be as respectful as possible.
It just may be that there will never be a single word that says it all to everyone. Suz posted about this, and made the point that self-identification AND situation – who’s talking to whom about whom – all factor in. So in fact we all may use different terms at different times for the same role.
So, so complicated.
September 7, 2006 at 9:33 pm
I think it’s a grey area. There are some mothers like me who only want to be identified as birthmothers and there are others like me who don’t like the title.
I used to used it, and then I changed my mind and realized I don’t want to use it.
It also depends on how the word is used.
It’s a grey area.
There are so many different feelings with adoption, it’s not an easy world to be in or write about.
September 9, 2006 at 9:11 am
I’ve written about this elsewhere, but I agree…it’s a tough issue.
I call both my mothers “My mother” in real life, and only use the birth or adoptive descriptors online for clarification when writing about adoption.
My mother actually doesn’t care for the terms “first” or “natural” or “exiled” or “mother of loss”.
It’s hard to know what to do when nobody can seem to agree on anything.
September 12, 2006 at 3:25 pm
I’m happy to read this post b/c I have such deep feelings about adoption. Unless I’m specifically clarifying, I never qualify my parental status with the words “adoptive” mom or “second” mom (first mom is new to me). Natural mom certainly hurts. I use the term birthmother and the two birthmothers who are an intregal part of my family are cool with it which is what really matters. My oldest daughter just started school and we were quick to announce that we don’t label each other as adoptive or adopted, but that we strongly embrace the fact that our children were birthed by two amazing women who are part of our family. The main goal is for our children to understand that adoption IS natural and knowing who they are and where they come from is not their privledge, but their right. It’s something to be very proud of, something that deserves to be way out in the open.
I was chosen to be the Mother of my daughters. I will always honor the women who made this choice in any way I can. In time I believe people will begin to see that there is enough room for all of us and that these complex relationships we have are worth the grief, heartache and confusion, and also very, very necessary.
May adoption continue to evolve and somehow help mend the hearts that have been broken by seperation.
September 13, 2006 at 6:51 pm
I call myself, mother….to my relinquished son (he likes the term) and of course I’m mom to my raised children.
If circumstances arise and clarification is necessary, I refer to myself as my son’s biological mother or his other mother.
It does not offend me in anyway to hear an adoptee use birthmother. If that is what’s comfortable for you to use, use it. :0)
None of us should have to apologise for how we address members of our own family.
Nice to have found another good blog.
September 15, 2006 at 6:14 am
Someone once told me (don’t remember who) that if I am most comfortable with the term birthmother that to separate the words makes it less a stigma and a more respectful and gentle title.
My birth mother.
I have done so ever since but I certainly have no idea if this is slightly more comfortable for the majority or not.
I don’t know, I have no answers for this one but you are not alone in your frustration about it.
September 27, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Mia,
You said what I was trying to come up with. My take on the word(s) birthmother is that it became a negative way of labeling the women who do the difficult but rewarding “birthing” of a baby.
I like your idea of writing it as two words, birth mother. I wish that respect could be attached back to the phrase.
Here’s the definition of “birth” from http://www.dictionary.com. There are many positive connotations to the term, and I wish we could restore that respect. However, I would continue to honor the request of each particular mother, and use the words they prefer.
10 results for: birth
View results from: Dictionary | Thesaurus | Encyclopedia | the Web
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1) – Cite This Source
birth /bɜrθ/ Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation[burth] Pronunciation Key – Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. an act or instance of being born: the day of his birth.
2. the act or process of bearing or bringing forth offspring; childbirth; parturition: a difficult birth.
3. lineage; extraction; descent: of Grecian birth.
4. high or noble lineage: to be foolishly vain about one’s birth.
5. natural heritage: a musician by birth.
6. any coming into existence; origin; beginning: the birth of Protestantism; the birth of an idea.
7. Archaic. something that is born.
–verb (used with object) Chiefly South Midland and Southern U.S. 8. to give birth to.
9. to assist in giving birth; act as midwife for.
—Idiom10. give birth to, a. to bear (a child).
b. to initiate; originate: Her hobby gave birth to a successful business.
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[Origin: 1150–1200; ME byrthe
October 1, 2006 at 2:41 pm
We’re strugling with what to call our son’s first mother. He’s Korean, so perhaps we can jsut use the Korean word for mother “Umma”. But, then, what do we call the foster mother? Ugh. Such a hard subject!
ryan
October 11, 2006 at 6:31 pm
The foster mother is called the foster mother.
October 14, 2006 at 12:16 pm
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February 6, 2007 at 10:42 am
I started off using natural mother, mostly because of my own circumstances with adoption.
Society tends to use birth mother and I have always detested it even before I knew why I disliked it.
I’ve settled on mother or first mother. birth mother implies my experience stopped at childbirth. that i was a 9 month incubator. as i said my situation was different, i wraised my daughter until she was almost 2 and never wanted to give her up. i think you should use whatever words are comfortable to you and if people have a problem with it put a disclaimer on it..