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I am still alive.  I am making big changes with my business which will hopefully lead to more free time:)  It will be crazy busy for a month or two.  In addition, I am about to have a houseful of company for spring break.  Busy but fun!  Hopefully I can get all my work done with company here.  I will be back soon.  Sorry I haven’t had time to read and comment.  I hope everyone is doing well.

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Sitting at a restaurant this week with my family my mom pointed out a little girl who was obviously special needs.  “Look at her, how awful for that family, aren’t you lucky and blessed.”  Since I have heard similar things from her my entire life, it didn’t phase me, until she started with my oldest son.  I stopped her right away.  I don’t want him to stare at this family.  Everywhere they go they are stared at by other people.  How would you like to have to deal with that your entire life?  I don’t want my son to think “poor family”.  The family may feel that they are blessed, not burdened.  I don’t want my son making those judgements about others.  I want him to see the beauty in every person.  She was annoyed with me.  I have heard a variation of this theme my entire life.  Out in public, my mom would often point out those who are “different” and then proceed to tell me how fortunate I was.  She was not referring to my adoptee status because she would do the same thing with her biological children.  She would also point out overweight people and ask if she looked like that.  The proper answer would be, “of course not”.  It took me years to realize why my mom is this way.  Her mother was very critical.  My mom was the “golden” child and her sister was not.  Her sister was overweight and A LOT of focus was put on weight.  My mom has self-esteem issues so she points out other’s faults in order to build herself up.  Differences are BAD!  How do you think she dealt with my adoptee status?  How about we just pretend that I wasn’t adopted?  How do you think she reacted when my second son was born with a cleft in his hand?  She still has issues with him which is her loss.  I don’t want this “look at her” trait passed on to my children.  I don’t want them feeling that they are better than others.  I want them to see the blessings in others.  I want them to see the beauty in being different.  There is beauty in differences.

I am sitting at the edge of the ocean with my feet being licked by the occasional wave. I lay back and my head is on warm sand not touched by the water. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sand by my head and the coolness of the sand by my feet. The waves bring the water to my feet and take away some of the sand that my feet were resting on. In washes a wave of feeling insecure and lonely. Out washes a wave of knowing why I feel that way. Knowledge is power, right? Not every time. The waves creep up my body taking away the warmth. The waves continue – Lonely, insecure, lonely, insecure. What is wrong with me? My head can logically know that I am not being left out and that I do have friends but my heart is saying other thoughts. Waves of tears well up in my body waiting for release. Just the slightest provocation will send the tears flowing. I am fighting these inner waves.  I understand why I feel this way, but I can’t seem to stop the waves from creeping higher and higher up my body. Here I am being swallowed by high tide, but it will recede. Right?

The wonderful holiday season.  Too much to do with too little time.  Spending time with family and friends (for some that is good for others – not so much).  The joy and the innocence of children at this time of year.  The pain that this time of year brings to many.   The weight that this time of year adds.  Good thing there are New Year’s resolutions 🙂  Personally, my holidays have been filled with joy.  Watching my 4 precious boys during this time of year is pure joy.  I believe that this is my last year to have them all believe in the magic of Christmas (big sigh) so I am sucking up every last morsel of this year before the maturity of next year.  Very, very, very behind with my work but somehow it is all okay.  I hope everyone out there had a wonderful holiday season.  I hope that those in pain are on a healing path.  Happy Holidays!  I will be back soon.

After many prayers and 2 miscarriages our gift was turning 1!  We wanted to celebrate our son.  We knew this would be our last child so we went all out.  The guest list blossomed and before we knew it, it was a huge party.  My parents did not think that they were going to make it, so I did not worry about the fact that I had invited some of my biological relatives.  Of course what happens, suddenly my parents were going to be able to come.  Now I need to clarify something, and it gets confusing.  My biological cousin married a woman from a family that my parents knew.  My parents actually taught one of her brothers.  One of her brothers toilet papered my parents’ house and then when my parents caught him in the act they invited him in for hot chocolate.  Did you catch all of that?  So, my parents would know my biological relatives when they saw them.  My husband and I decided that if my parents had a problem with my biological relatives being there then it was their problem.  It gets so exhausting to try to keep the 2 worlds separated.  Besides, this was our celebration and we wanted them there.  Of course, I was very nervous about what would happen.  My mom’s reaction was as expected.  She did not acknowledge their presence.  My dad’s reaction surprised me.  He was so kind and spent a lot of time talking with them.  I could not believe it.  I have never loved my dad more than I loved him at that moment.  I was so proud of him and I felt so loved by him.  I told him later how much it meant to me.  It made me feel closer to him and it made me desire a closer relationship with him.  The perfect end to a wonderful celebration.

I have several adoption related posts brewing in my head but I just have not had the heart lately to write them.  My very good friend delivered her quads prematurely (26 1/2 weeks).  Yes, they are the result of fertility treatments.  Two of the babies are doing great, one of the babies is doing very well, and one of the babies is not going to make it.  He has had severe brain damage.  Watching my good friend lose her longed for child is heartbreaking.  I hurt for women who struggle with infertility issues.  I hurt for my friend.

I cannot stand politics. HATE politics. Hate the labeling. Hate the fact that they can’t seem to vote about what they feel is right for their constituents, they have to vote according to party lines or they must face the consequences. This time of year always drives me batty. The twisting of words, the political ads – can’t stand it. You get the idea.  This year is really getting on my nerves.  There is an ad in Texas that is playing over and over on the television.  In this ad, the politician is touting his wonderful record on taking care of the children.  He has worked to reform CPS.  He helped with developing the Baby Moses law where mothers can take their “unwanted children” to designated spots.  Good idea, let’s label those children as “unwanted”.  Good choice of words.  I am sure that the few women who do utilize this law are doing so because the children are “unwanted”.  I am sure that none of these women are afraid to tell their families about the pregnancy.  I am sure that none of them are involved in abusive relationships.  I am sure that finances have nothing to do with any of it.  What am I thinking, they just don’t want these children.  How do they think adopted children watching this commercial will feel?  How do they think first mothers will feel?  How do they think adoptive parents will feel?  Awful, awful, awful.  Please make it stop!