Adoptive Mothers


Wraith has written an excellent post that I wish every potential adoptive parent would read. Check it out!

Sorry about the last post. Too little sleep combined with an overwhelming work load will do that to you!

I am a person with issues. Some of them are related to my being adopted. Some of them are related to my brother calling me “big toe” and “bony butt”. Just guessing here, but I bet that anyone reading this has their own set of issues. I am fortunate that my “issues” are small and manageable. Other people do not have that luxury. My issues are petty when compared with the issues of people who have had to deal with true hardships. Potential adoptive parents often ask if they should even consider adopting because adult adoptees seem to have so many issues related to the adoption. So what. Don’t potential adoptive parents have their own issues, say maybe one or two related to infertility. I am not trying to sound harsh towards adoptive parents, truly I am not. I just think that some people miss the point.  The issue is not whether or not the child will have issues, the issue is whether or not the parents are willing to acknowledge and openly deal with any issues that do, and will, arise. Just as they would when their biological child had issues to deal with in their life. Issues are simply a part of life. You just deal with your own unique set of issues.

Do you ever feel that this whole adoption thing is a battle?  First, there is the battle for the possession of the child.  Then, their is the battle for the loyalty of the child.  From my own personal observation, it seems that adoptive parents are the ones starting the wars and picking the battles (not all adoptive parents).  First, there is the battle for the physical possession of the child.  Adoptive parents who choose domestic adoption must first be nice to potential birthparents.  Some adoptive parents skip this part of the battle by choosing international adoption.  Don’t deny the truth of this.  Do you know how many times I have heard, “We chose xy country because we did not want to have to deal with birthparents.  We did not want to have to have contact with the birth parents after the adoption.  We want OUR child to know who his/her REAL parents are.”  Those comments are the subject of an entirely different post so they won’t be dealt with at this time.  Once the adoptive parents have won the initial battle and the child is in their possession, their true motives become evident.  Maybe they promised to send pictures and letters but they do not fulfill their obligations.  Maybe they send “pictures” but they make sure that they are out of focus or tops of heads are cut off.  Why?  Because they view the birthparents as the adversaries!  The birthparents are trying to steal the loyalty of the child.  Which brings us to the next battle, the emotional possession of the child.  This battle is “won” by making sure that the child grows up understanding that their loyalty must be with the adoptive parents.  Adoption discussion is tolerated only on a superficial level.  Searching would be a treacherous act.  After all, the birthparents are evil enemies who would only corrupt the child.  Seems to me that if these adoptive parents could only understand one basic fact, birthparents are not adversaries.  In most cases, birthparents are making the difficult placement decision because they want to provide their child with the best possible life.  They enter into the adoption process with good faith, and sometimes they are slapped in the face.  Why wouldn’t they be bitter?  Why wouldn’t they be on the defensive?  If adoptive parents would just realize that it is in the best interest of the child to honor that large part of the child that comes from the birthparents.  If adoptive parents would just realize that by honoring birthparents they are honoring the child.  Maybe then they would begin to realize that the honor and respect that they show to the birthparents results in a closer bond to the very child that they are so fearful of losing.  Maybe if they would stop viewing it as a battle then a wonderful period of peace could occur.

Disclaimer:  There are many wonderful adoptive parents out there who truly honor the child and the birthparent.  This post is not aimed at them.  There are birthparents who are abusive/neglectful and contact would not be advised.  I am simply speaking about many situations that exist.