Do you ever feel that this whole adoption thing is a battle? First, there is the battle for the possession of the child. Then, their is the battle for the loyalty of the child. From my own personal observation, it seems that adoptive parents are the ones starting the wars and picking the battles (not all adoptive parents). First, there is the battle for the physical possession of the child. Adoptive parents who choose domestic adoption must first be nice to potential birthparents. Some adoptive parents skip this part of the battle by choosing international adoption. Don’t deny the truth of this. Do you know how many times I have heard, “We chose xy country because we did not want to have to deal with birthparents. We did not want to have to have contact with the birth parents after the adoption. We want OUR child to know who his/her REAL parents are.” Those comments are the subject of an entirely different post so they won’t be dealt with at this time. Once the adoptive parents have won the initial battle and the child is in their possession, their true motives become evident. Maybe they promised to send pictures and letters but they do not fulfill their obligations. Maybe they send “pictures” but they make sure that they are out of focus or tops of heads are cut off. Why? Because they view the birthparents as the adversaries! The birthparents are trying to steal the loyalty of the child. Which brings us to the next battle, the emotional possession of the child. This battle is “won” by making sure that the child grows up understanding that their loyalty must be with the adoptive parents. Adoption discussion is tolerated only on a superficial level. Searching would be a treacherous act. After all, the birthparents are evil enemies who would only corrupt the child. Seems to me that if these adoptive parents could only understand one basic fact, birthparents are not adversaries. In most cases, birthparents are making the difficult placement decision because they want to provide their child with the best possible life. They enter into the adoption process with good faith, and sometimes they are slapped in the face. Why wouldn’t they be bitter? Why wouldn’t they be on the defensive? If adoptive parents would just realize that it is in the best interest of the child to honor that large part of the child that comes from the birthparents. If adoptive parents would just realize that by honoring birthparents they are honoring the child. Maybe then they would begin to realize that the honor and respect that they show to the birthparents results in a closer bond to the very child that they are so fearful of losing. Maybe if they would stop viewing it as a battle then a wonderful period of peace could occur.
Disclaimer: There are many wonderful adoptive parents out there who truly honor the child and the birthparent. This post is not aimed at them. There are birthparents who are abusive/neglectful and contact would not be advised. I am simply speaking about many situations that exist.
December 25, 2006 at 5:07 pm
The few pictures I did get which was when she was two months old 1. a blurry as far away as possible photo and 2. one where you couldn’t see her face.
After that they decided not to honour their agreement to send me one letter one time a year.
I bet they got a nasty shock when the laws got changed in the 90’s and the phone rang when she was 18. A mediator spoke to my daughter and told her that her mother was looking for her.
Even with all this hurt their actions caused me I have never to this day done anything to get back at them or make them feel bad.
Four years into reunion I have had no contact from them
Things go wonderfully well between me and my daughter, I want to give them some credit for that.
I am proud of myself for not hating them.
February 6, 2007 at 10:29 am
this is such an important issue. As a first mother I am indeed the enemy. Much of what you have written rings true in my own situation. Befriended by the adopter, betrayed in family court, promised openness, visits and contact and then threatened and shut down.I was lucky enough to get pictures and for the first 8 months I tried to be nice in order to get those visits. then one day I realize she was never going to honor my child or her words.I decided I wasnt going to belittle myself and beg for table scraps. it has taken me almost 6 yrs to get over the anger, yet I still make contact urging her to do whats right for the child. That it isnt about either of us but rather a real need for my daughter to know me and her history. I find that adoption is all wrapped up in the adopters agenda, because if they truly loved children, they would understand that when they hurt the first parents, they are hurting the child as you said. why isnt it ok for a child to have more love?